Sunday, April 9, 2017

Campfires and Sunsets:

Friday, August 22, 2014

Stuck in the Elevator

Two days ago, the elevator at work got stuck 8 inches ABOVE the top floor with little old me trapped inside. I sent an email to my department to let them know where I was and that I wouldn't be able to make my afternoon meetings. They asked me to keep them updated and below are the actual email updates I sent to my whole department while trapped in the elevator. 

ps: the fire department eventually got me out. I'm thinking of writing a book about my ordeal called "Trapped for 1 Hour Without Food: a brave man's true story of courage in a broken elevator ".

Subject: Re: I'm stuck in the elevator.
On Aug 20, 2014, at 1:58 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update #1. I'm still here. The voices coming from the emergency speaker box are telling me to take my shoes off. No idea what that will do for me but I'm not one to question mysterious voices from unknown sources.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:04 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update #2:
My snack packs are gone and my battery power is down to 86%. Things are starting to get really scary.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:06 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update #3:
I haven't eaten in over 20 minutes. There is no 72 hour kit in this elevator (I checked) otherwise I would have eaten all the granola bars already.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:09 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update #4:
I've eaten a portion of the carpet from the elevator floor to stave off the hunger pains but I need to save some for later. Who knows how long I'll need to survive in this metal box of misery.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:13 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update # 5:
The oxygen levels are starting to get really low in here. Maybe I should not have been screaming for help this whole time and conserved the air for more useful things like breathing and starting small fires to cook the leather on my belt.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:17 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update # 6:
With the oxygen as low as it is, the hallucinations have begun in earnest. I keep telling myself there are no clowns in the elevator with me but I don't even know what's real anymore.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:22 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update # 7:
My iPhone battery is now down to 78%! I don't know what's worse....the  thought of running out of battery on my phone or oxygen in my elevator.
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:24 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update # 8:
I just licked what I thought was condensation off the elevator wall but apparently it was just an old coffee stain. #StillThirsty
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:27 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:
Update # 9 :
I'm now fading in and out of consciousness. The thought has entered my mind of giving up and accepting the fact that I'm going to die in this elevator but I have to be strong for my wife and kids. Must....keep.........fighting.......
- Jordan

On Aug 20, 2014, at 2:31 PM, "Fife, Jordan M" wrote:

Update # 10 :

With my iPhone battery at 74% and the last of the carpet consumed, I'm afraid the end is near. 

Tell my wife and kids I love them!

- Jordan

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


I was quickly walking to yet another meeting at work yesterday and had just taken the first bite out of an apple when I saw this image above the trash area. 

I then automatically threw the rest of my perfectly good apple into the garbage can without even questioning my decision. It was the same kind of thing that happens when the doctor taps my knee with that weird little piano hammer; a grown man who can't even control his own leg. 

I think all of the meetings to plan the next meetings that will lead to even more meetings are slowly turning me into a mindless automaton. 

ps: While I was in the meeting, all I could think about was how hungry I was and how I wished I had not robot-tossed that apple. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Church Social - Invitation

I was asked to write up a brief (2 sentence) invitation to our annual church fall social. This will be printed on small cards and passed around at church and around our neighborhood. The NecktieNinja never does anything half way. Here is what I submitted. I'll let you know if they end up using my write up or not:

"Come one, come all to the Hockinson Ward fall festival of delight for Autumn-Halloweeny type games and food with harvest themed decorations and splendid company of friends, complete with a chili cook off competition to be judged by impartial persons of the most incorruptible nature and unmistakable integrity; all with the glorious purpose of celebrating our Hockinson Ward unitedness and wonderment. 

Bring your friends."